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Class of 1973 - Top 5 Bob

"Top 5 Bob", the Class of 73's own Bob Nannini, will allow us to publish his weekly "Top 5" list, as broadcast weekly on FM Y-92.5 on Tuesday mornings at 8am on the Paul and Phil show.

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Top 5 Celebrities You Wouldn’t Want At Your Super Bowl Party (January 26, 1999)

5. Howard Stern, ‘cause with all that bean dip lying around, the last thing you need is another gas bag.
4. John Madden, who instead of using that yellow tv pen, traces the previous play by dragging his finger through the guacamole.
3. Miss Piggy, ‘cause she always whines about the pigskin being some long-lost relative.
2. Frank Gifford, who hasn’t played football for years, but still feels compelled to complete a pass at anything wearing a skirt.
1. Steven Speilberg, who always causes a big ruckus when he asks if anyone wants to hold his golden globes.
Top 5 Rejected “State of the Union” Opening Lines (January 19, 1999)

5. “I don’t know about the union, but the state of my marriage has seen better days...”
4. “To paraphrase another great U.S. President, ‘Four scores and several interns ago...’”
3. “Not that I’m trying to kiss up or anything, but doesn’t Judge Rhenquist look smashing in his impeachment robe?”
2. “I think I’ve done some pretty good things; I’ve given that crazy Jerry Springer Show a run for its money, haven’t I?
1. “I haven’t been this nervous since I heard they wanted to raise the tax on cigarettes AND cigars!”
Top 5 Euphemisms For Getting Fired As An NFL Coach (January 12, 1999)

5. He got the “dirty bird.”
4. Snatched the pea out of his whistle.
3. “It’s 4th and 40, deep in your own end zone, and...oh, forget this crap...You’re FIRED, man!”
2. Instead of the “All Madden Team,” he’s now part of the “All Washed Up Team.”
1. Changed his desk chair to a kicking tee.
Top 5 Reasons Santa Won’t Be Stopping At The White House This Year (December 22, 1998)

5. Those impersonal White House strip-searches. At least when Mrs. Claus does hers, she breaks the ice with some hot cocoa and Barry White tunes.
4. Sadly, sneaking into the White House has a whole different meaning now.
3. The thought of possibly running into Hilary in a nightgown, curlers, and no makeup just scares the bejeezus out of him.
2. The only Christmas cookies left out for him are from Buddy the dog.
1. Afraid he’ll trip over all the moving boxes.
Top 5 Things Overheard At The Ventura Inauguration (January 5, 1999)

5. “Instead of using my veto power, all authors of bad bills will be gettin’ a little dose of the Boston Crab.”
4. “Do you think these tights go with my tux?”
3. “Don’t worry folks, I plan on taking my job as governor as seriously as I did my ‘rasslin’ career.
2. “Nah...we don’t need no oath; just have the judge give me a three-count, raise my arm, and we’ll call it a day.”
1. “The ‘rasslin’ biz versus the legislature? How scary can it be? They’re both home to a bunch of clowns.”
Top 5 Signs You’re Visiting A Bad Shopping Mall Santa (December 15, 1998)

5. Tells the kids they have a better shot at getting what they want if Mom sits on his lap.
4. Instead of shaking like a bowl full of jelly, his belly shakes like a bag full of gin bottles.
3. Tells the kids, “Yeah, I brought Rudolph; he’s out back tied to the hood of my car.”
2. Instead of handing out candy canes, he suggests going behind his chair and taking a drag off his Marlboro.
1. Keeps telling the kids if they want to hear Santa’s favorite Christmas carol, just pull his finger.
Top 5 Signs You Were a Christmas Tree In A Previous Life (December 8, 1998)

5. Explains the pine sap running from your nose during the cold and flu season.
4. You’re basically “lit up” for the whole month of December.
3. During this time of year you have an uncontrollable fear of saws and lopping shears.
2. People have an unexplained desire to hang you from the rear view mirror of their car.
1. Nearly got arrested for wanting to show off your ornaments.
Top 5 Reasons the Rodman/Electra Marriage Ended So Soon (December 1, 1998)

5. He never got over her wearing the same wedding gown.
4. The color scheme in her house didn’t match the one in his hair.
3. She was upset there was no vacant space to tatoo her name on his body.
2. He wrongly thought he had a shot at jogging down the beach in slow motion in one of those one-piece Baywatch suits.
1. She stopped being drunk; he never stopped being butt-ugly.
Top 5 Celebrity Thanksgiving Traditions (November 24, 1998)

5. It’s a day of horrors for Babe the Pig and friends as they draw straws to see whose butt winds up in the roaster.
4. At the Lewinsky house it’s always the same: acting out the Thanksgiving Day Parade; and this year, Monica gets to be the lead balloon.
3. At the Clinton home, instead of preparing stuffing, Hilary simply tells Bill to “stuff it!”
2. Dennis Rodman only attends gatherings where they don’t serve turkey. Otherwise, there’d be one turkey too many.
1. It’s a non-alcoholic Thanksgiving at Big Bird’s house after last year’s incident where a tanked-up Miss Piggy made a play for his giblets.
Top 5 Reasons Saddam Backed Down This Time (November 17, 1998)

5. Was afraid he’d miss this week’s episode of “Ally McBeal.”
4. He was embarrassed because he hasn’t had a chance to clean up the country after the last bombing.
3. After a full day of repression, lying, and skullduggery, he just wasn’t in the mood to send his troops to be massacred.
2. That new cook at the palace gave Saddam some poisonous gas problems of his own.
1. What would you do if they threatened to fire missiles up your Strait of Hormuz?
Top 5 Changes In The Minnesota Governor’s Office (November 10, 1998)

5. Creating a less formal atmosphere, Fridays are now “Casual Tights Fridays.”
4. Budget deadlocks are now settled in two-out-of-three falls with a 20-minute time limit.
3. In recognition of animal lovers everywhere, the front office receptionist is now George, the Animal, Steele.
2. Wants to replace the state legislature with “The Nitro Girls.”
1. Members of the opposition party are now known as “anti-bodies.”
Top 5 Problems With Flying With An Old Guy In Space (November 3, 1998)

5. Alwasy forgets to cancel the turn signal after turning left at Antarctica.
4. The phrase, “I’ll be in the bathroom ‘cause my teeth are floating” has become much too literal.
3. You’re tired of the game called “booster rocket” where you pull his finger and he shoots across cabin.
2. Forgets his space helmet goes ON his head and is not THE head...
1. Picture this: Sagging skin/zero gravity.
Top 5 Halloween Party Pickup Lines That Are Bound To Leave You Treatless (October 27, 1998)

5. Say, mama...what say we go back to my haunted castle and you can be my “witchy-woman?”
4. Baby...lemme just say you can tell a lot about a monster by the size bolts he has sticking out of his neck.
3. Wow...great get-up! Especially that hairy wart on your nose. OH...sorry...I thought that was part of the make-up.
2. How ‘bout I just pour water on my face and you can bob for me?
1. Oooh, Morticia...you really set my pumpkins aglow!
Top 5 Reasons The Bride Of Chuckie Wants A Divorce (October 20, 1998)

5. How would you like going through life being known as “The Bride of Chuckie?”
4. It wasn’t exactly cole slaw he was caught making with that Cabbage Patch doll.
3. Everything was fine until that newest Beanie Baby ran up with its arms raised screaming, “Da-Da...!”
2. She doesn’t believe that story about the Reverend Chuckie ministering to a troubled, young intern named Barbie.
1. Discovered on the wedding night that Chuckie was built just like a Ken doll...if ya know what I mean...!
Top 5 Signs You’ve Been Watching Too Much Baseball (October 13, 1998)

5. Before the night’s big game of romance, you ask if you can do a little warming up in the bullpen first.
4. You spend a whole day trying to get that criss-cross pattern in your lawn as you mow it.
3. The cup you give your wife for her coffee isn’t exactly used for drinking.
2. Instead of the sand box outside, the kids are having fun digging tunnels in the mound of sunflower seed shells at your feet.
1. Before slamming the door on her way out, you wife gives you a hand signal that’s not a normal part of a catcher’s inventory.
Top 5 Statemenst Heard From Columbus When He First Landed (October 6, 1998)

5. “Hello, dear friends; Tell me, have you ever read the book, ‘Dianetics’ by L. Ron Hubbard?”
4. “Don’t worry, I’ll be a very ethical leader. Are there any troubled, yet pretty young interns out there I can minister to??”
3. “We bring you the finest diseases in Europe and all you have for us are these goofy little puka shells??”
2. “Boy, I’m starving. You didn’t happen to see a Domino’s around here, did ya??”
1. “Man...that was a long trip! Anybody else gotta tinkle??”
Top 5 Things Overheard Backstage At The Country Music Awards (September 29, 1998)

5. “Man, I got me this here award, and there’s still time to git home and watch some ‘rasslin!”
4. “This is great...now I’ll be able to afford that new washer and dryer for the front porch!”
3. “Ya know, I can melt this sucker down and it’ll make a spiffy new belt buckle!”
2. “At the microphone, it felt like I had a little frog in my throat; I gotta learn to chew my food all the way...”
1. Two words: “Hooooo-dowgie!”
Top 5 Problems Gulliver Had In Lilliput (February 6, 1996)(Bonus Top 5 from the past)

5. Always having to clean off the bottom of his shoe and then apologize to the next of kin.
4. Walking hand-in-hand with his sweetie ‘cause it gave him such a back ache.
3. Shooing away a fly, then realizing his new best friend just lost his head.
2. Taking a roll in the hay, ‘cause he just has to peel the babes off afterward.
1. People always asking, “Hey, is that a Lilliputian in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Top 5 Similarities Between “The Titanic” and President Clinton’s Current Dilemma (January 27, 1998) (Bonus Top 5 from the past)

5. He’s got an awful sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
4. Kinda likes the idea of lifeboats being filled with nothing but women.
3. He’s gonna be dubbed “The Titanic” since he’s going down just as fast and weighs about the same.
2. The Titanic pumped out huge amounts of bilge trying to stay afloat...ditto for Clinton.
1. Whenever he stands next to Hilary now, it’s like standing next to a giant iceberg.
Top 5 Not-So Memorable Television Moments (September 15, 1998)

5. The night Marv Albert was voted the Worst-dressed Victoria’s Secret model.
4. The pilot show starring Michael Jackson, Richard Simmons, and Roseanne, called, “The Odd Squad.”
3. The night Gumby and Polky walked off the set after getting really bent out of shape about something.
2. The Today Show interview with Emmy Award winning actor Tim Busfield where he finally admitted to being the voice of “Lumpy the Diamond.”
1. The Wilton-North Reunion Show.
Top 5 Signs Your New Girlfriend Is Really From The Planet Of The Apes (September 8, 1998)

5. It was love at first sight when you saw she could drink a beer with her foot.
4. May explain why she’s covered with hair and walks around in a diaper.
3. A body-groomin’ machine: she can spot, pick, and chew on a body parasite before you can even feel it itch.
2. You’ve finally found someone who really appreciates all the hair on your back.
1. Five words: “She’s a CHIMP, you moron!”
Top 5 Oddities About Michael Jackson’s 40th Birthday Celebration (September 1, 1998)

5. Started the new birthday game sensation, “Pin the Nose on the Oddball.”
4. Reminisced about the good ol’ days when he could hold a slumber party without having to invite half the LAPD to watch the kids.
3. Got into a strange argument with Timmy the Birthday Clown over whose face paint is whiter.
2. Pranksters filled is oxygen chamber with helium, but strangely enough, his voice still sounded the same.
1. Instead of 40 candles, he placed all his noses on his cake and lit them.
Top 5 Similarities Between The State Fair Midway And President Clinton’s Monica Speech (August 25, 1998)

5. Both try and feed you a bunch of crap.
4. The midway wants you visit its Fun House; Clinton wants to rename the Oval Office “The Fun House.”
3. You have the strange feeling you’re being taken for a ride.
2. While on the midway, your child says, “Mama, look at that clown!” Funny...those are the exact words you muttered when you saw the speech on tv.
1. The midway makes no apologies for making us sick; ditto for Clinton.
Top 5 Bad Reunion Pick-up Lines (August 18, 1998)

5. Seeing you really takes me back. When you waved at me just now, the skin under your arm was flapping just like our old first period teacher.
4. Don’t fight it; I can tell that the complete hatred you felt for me in high school has softened to a case of only mild revulsion.
3. Why don’t we plan a cross-country trip together? And we don’t even need a map...we can trace our route using the veins in your nose.
2. Oh my, your voice has become so sultry, so “throaty”...thank goodness for cigars and whiskey, huh??
1. Let’s pretend we’re back in math class. You count the hairs I’ve lost...I’ll count the chins you’ve grown.

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